50 Life Lessons

Me and my family on Thanksgiving 2012

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006 (by Regina Brett).  And, since I just turned 50 myself a few weeks ago, I thought this was worth sharing and remembering.  Here's what she wrote......

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me (plus 5 to grow on).
It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
To reach this Plain Dealer columnist:
rbrett@plaind.com, 216-999-6328"

..... and for an update on me, I'm doing really well.  I feel great!  I've been in to see all my doctors and all reports seem to be going well.  My blood is fine, and DRE shows signs of cancer gone.  Will eventually get a PET/CT scan to tell for sure but nothing scheduled yet.  I'm looking forward to a really great Christmas and 2013.  My 50th year and 2012 was an interesting and turbulent one.  Started out with the flu, found out I got cancer mid-year, had a huge 50th birthday bash in July the day before my last cancer treatment, went to Hawaii on an awesome vaca in Sept. and Willie caught a 440 pound blue Marlin, had my "real" 50th a few days after Thanksgiving (and worked), and the grand finale is I found out I am going to be a gramma on Dec. 3rd.  What a year!  Hope the best for all my friends and family.  You all mean the world to me and I'm so glad you're in my life.  Thank you!

Lucky Me.... Always

The second blog I wrote when I found out I had cancer on May 16th was titled “Lucky Me”. Well, I’m happy to report, I’m still lucky! 

I was lucky to find the cancer early, lucky I had a colonoscopy at age 49 instead of 50 (especially since I had no symptoms to make me do this), lucky to be living in Salt Lake City UT where there is such excellent cancer research and care, lucky to have such fabulous supportive friends & family, lucky it’s 2012, just darn LUCKY! Today is no different, thankfully. Here’s why…...

Yesterday, I went in today for another 6 week follow up with my surgeon (my third post treatment) at 9:30 am.  It went so well I don’t go back for 3 months. Merry Christmas! She said the spot is soooo much improved from last time. I find it amazing she remembers that. Anyway…..lucky!

Then my dentist called me at around noon and said I won an iPad mini in a Facebook drawing they had online! Can you believe it?! Yay me! Again, lucky!

It keeps happening. I’m so lucky. My only regret is that I had to go to work on Thursday because I didn’t win a half a billion dollars on the Power Ball Lottery Wednesday night.  Lucky?  Ya.... probably.  I think most lottery winners either go crazy or lose all their money I'm told so basically.... lucky. 

Uneventful

After 3 long months, went to see the oncologist today.  She was on vacation and her normal PA was out on maternity leave.  Saw the other PA I've never met.  He was nice.  Didn't really have any thoughtful comments because I'm doing really well and my blood work is normal.  :-)  Said the colorectal surgeon is the best authority on what's going on with the spot in my butt.  I see her again on December 6.  I'm on a 6 week cycle with her.  I guess I go see the oncologist every 3 months for 2 years.  Then to 6 month or 1 year cycle after that.  I'm not sure what they are looking for in my blood but I guess it doesn't hurt (much) for them to keep checking it. Good news is, I look and feel healthy so that is what matters.

Exercise Does A Body Good?

I made it to 10 days in a row of Jillian's 30 Day Shred (20 minute cardio/strength training) Level 1, with 20 minutes (about a mile and half) on the treadmill right behind it for 5 of the 10 days.  Then I missed Tues., Wed., Thurs., Friday last week..... but I hit it again today.  I can't believe how out of shape I am and how sore it makes me.  There are days that I feel so old and tired.  But, I know it is helping me.  At least I think it is anyway.  The stiffness and pain in my pelvis is so weird.  To me it feels like I have run a marathon without any training.  That was one main reason I decided to get back in the swing of an exercise regime again.  I mean, if I have to have pain and stiffness, I want it to be from actual exercise.  :-)  I also contacted the Bikram Yoga studio I used to go to but I haven't been to class since Oct. 2011.  I think that will help with the flexibility.  Does anyone else do Bikram (hot yoga)?  Now I'm going to enjoy a snowy Saturday getting ready for friends to come over for dinner.  What should I make? Hmmm........

Looking forward to meeting with my oncologist on the 12th.  It's been 3 months since we last met.  I wonder what questions I need to ask.  Any ideas?  I finished treatment on 7/23.  Is it time for a PET/CT?  I've had a sore throat (really really sore) for 3 months and have been on two rounds of antibiotics which haven't helped?  Should I bring that up?  Also, have had two UTI's and had antibiotics for that.  I think I had another last week but it sort of went away.  Should I ask about that?  My skin tone still looks off and I have dark circles under my eyes which I never really had before.  People say I look great and like I never was sick (the only reason I was sick was from the treatment no the cancer).  Isn't that the weird thing about cancer?

My backyard at 7:30 AM
Weathergirl says 4 feet by tomorrow.  One can hope!

Getting Serious & Coming "c"lean

This past week I started exercising again.  It has been about 6 months since I really did anything.  I had wanted to exercise during treatment but that didn't really work out because I was just too busy with treatment, work, visitors.  It seems like I can find an excuse and lots of reasons for not doing it, mainly lack of extra time.  I feel like I need to retire first in order to fit in a good exercise routine anymore.  I am not a morning person, but I'm going to create that habit again so that I have that extra hour to exercise.  It really just doesn't work to save it for the evening, after work.  By then, I am just too tired, have to make or eat dinner, do some laundry, watch some tv show I'm addicted to, or play on Facebook for awhile.  After I get home from work, there is only about 2 - 3 hours until bedtime.   Those hours go fast.

I always seem to need a reason to begin exercising, again, to keep my commitment to it.  I like a goal.  This time the goal is health and need.  I need to exercise not only physically, but also mentally.  While I was on the treadmill today, I was inspired to blog about the things I'm coming clean about and how serious I am about exercise now, again.  I've always been blessed with good health and I attribute that a lot to exercise.  I've been in competitive sports since I was 8 years old.  Although, the sports change, and at times in my adult life, exercise is sporadic, I always get back to it.  It is definitely a NEED, as well as a WANT.

I used my profile picture on my blog as the vulture behind me on Doomsday hill from May 6, 2012.  Subliminally this photo is cancer behind me and me winning the battle against it with my arms in the air  in total victory and happiness.  When this photo was taken, I didn't know I had cancer.  I had my colonoscopy on May 9, 2012 a few days after Bloomsday where this picture was taken in Spokane, WA.  Doomsday Hill is at mile 5.5 of 7 in the race and I always look forward to making it up to the top of that hill and seeing what color the year's t-shirt will be.  Now I look forward to getting around that circling vulure (cancer) and making it through to the water stations, hoses spraying us, and the rest of the cool bands (the rest of my healthy happy life), because I know they are always there to make the race a lot more fun for the participants and then I get my t-shirt.  The picture of this vulture is somewhat ironic to me now. I love that it was taken right before I found out.  And, I love that it's behind me, efore I went up the hill.  How ironic is that?  Now, I have made it around him, and I'm on the other side so I can finish the race.

The second thing that I am coming "c"lean about is that I purposely titled my blog "Cathy's cancer" with a "s"mall "c".  I didn't even like to say "c"ancer at first because it made it real and it felt like I was accepting it into my body.  I didn't even know I had it so I certainly wasn't willing to accept it at first.  I felt like I was being punked when he told me.  I really felt like I didn't even have it at all.  So, I consciously decided to make it a small "c" so that I wouldn't give it credit for anything bigger than that, like God, or English, or North.  I know now that cancer is very very powerful.  I was ignorant before I found out and experienced the powerful treatment to rid my body of this horrible disease.  It has power in the body and it has even stronger power in the mind.  But, I decided early on that by seeing the small "c" it would remind me that I had power over IT and that I could beat this thing, "C"athy with a "C"apital "C".  I will beat it in my mind, and I will beat it in my body.  Another subliminal message to me that I'm now telling about.  

I realize that I keep a lot of things inside.  Lately some of the things I've kept inside are, I've been worried about my sore throat that I've had for about 3 months now.  It went away briefly at the end of our Hawaii trip but came right back a couple days after we got home to UT.  Should I move to Hawaii?  Hmmm....   I worry about if the cancer is gone.  I feel like it is and have no reason to think any differently based on my digital exams.  I have appointments with all three doctors in the next few weeks but so far not PET/CT scan.  And, I'm not sure I want one anyway.  Isn't that just adding more radiation to my body again?  I wonder if it's out of my lymph node.  How do they tell that?  I wonder if it spread.  How do I find that out?  I didn't know I had it to begin with so are there signs of spreading?  Should I even let these negative thoughts come in to my mind?  I worry about that?  I worry about the hip pain and stiffness I now feel.  It started about a month after treatment ended and it is so weird.  I guess it's a side-effect of the intense radiation but I don't love it.  It kind of feels like how I used to feel after a good hard work out, or maybe after Bloomsday.  But, it's not that. 

The hip pain and stiffness is one of the reasons I'm back in the exercise mode again.  I need to counteract the side effects.  I also believe that exercise is purging my body of bad cells, bad toxins, and making me stronger so I can live a longer healthier life.  My biggest fear would be getting to my 100th birthday and not having a good quality of life.  I'm going to get in a little better shape and then go back to Bikram Yoga again.  That will also help my strength and flexibility.  

I started my 50th year, last year when I turned 49, with the flu.  It was awful.  In May, I found out I had cancer.  That wasn't so great either.  When November 26th rolls around this year and I actually turn 50 and start my 51st year, I want to know I'm healthy and celebrate!  I'm past the vulture and at the top of Doomsday Hill!  This has been one of the most interesting years of my life so far.  I've learned a lot.  I don't want to miss the opportunity I've been given to change, grow, improve, and build on these experiences.  Part of that crossroad is coming "c"lean and exercising.  I just have to.

11 Weeks Post Treatment

It's been awhile since I posted on here.  I've felt like I didn't have much to say.  Life has pretty much returned to normal, and so have I.  It's been 11 weeks since my last radiation treatment on July 23rd.  That is almost twice as long as the time it took to treat me (6 weeks) for cancer.  It was such an interesting time in my life and my year.  I still can't believe the whirlwind of it all.

I have so many observations, memories, and experiences that I'll always remember about that period in my life.  It is so nice to be finished with chemo and radiation.  Now, in the aftermath, I meet with the oncologist (every 3 months), the radiologist (every 3 months) and the surgeon (every 6 weeks for awhile) until I get my next instructions.  Soon, those meetings will taper off to once every three months, then every 6, then annually.... then 5 years..... remission.  :-)  Takes 5 years to be in the safe zone.  But, in the meantime, I go in about once a month to see one of those 3 doctors.  The appointments don't last long.  They are usually happy with my progress so far, in this 11 weeks, then they schedule the next one.

I met with the surgeon last week.  We are close friends now if you know what I mean since she has intimate knowledge of my most private parts and how they feel and are supposed to feel.  She said it will be 6 months before she orders a CT/PET scan.  I'm looking forward to seeing that and it should tell the big story of past and present and indicate NED (no evidence of disease).  I'm lucky that I didn't have the horrible experience of a lot of people in my same boat.  I had a fairly good experience.  I often wonder if I'm in denial, or just don't accept pain and suffering afterall.

Speaking of being in the same boat, I always thought I was a whiner about pain, and being sick, but after spending 11 hours in the Hawaiian ocean deep sea sport-fishing a week ago and puking my guts out in front of a group of 5 people all day I guess I can pretty much take anything to get to the prize.  I went through 2 week long rounds of chemotherapy and never took one pill or threw up!  It took the turbulent Hawaiian ocean to do it to me.  It's probably weird that I would analgize (is that a word?) sport-fishing to chemo but the reward was sweet with both.  We caught the prized 440 pound blue marlin!  And, I'm pretty sure I kicked cancer's ass, literally.  So, you see, it's not such a stretch as you'd think.

I sort of compare everything in life to something else in life.  It's weird.  I'm weird.  But with cancer, I was put on board a boat that I didn't pay to ride.  And, I feel like it's all working out really well and I got to the end of the day and cured the disease I never knew I had.  Like a deep sea sport-fishing you never know if you're coming home with a giant 440 pound Blue Marlin, six 100 pound Ahi, or empty handed.  It's all luck, skill, history, and a good captain.

Regarding how I feel, well, I feel great.  I don't have any issues at all, I think.  It's business as usual.  I look for things all the time that might be a little off.  Here's what I notice.  Doing this treatment put me into menopause.  I had my last period on 6/24/2012.  I think maybe I have some sweats but not sure.  So, maybe it's nothing at all.  Super glad not to have periods.  Yay me!  Then I have a little bit of achiness in my hip and groin area.  Is it from the radiation or just the fact I haven't really exercised much for the past 9 months?  Hmmmm......not really sure.  So any time I go on a hike, or move big stuff around, or yoga, or exert myself in the extra hard way I'm used to doing, I am achy.  But, I think that was normal bc (before cancer) too so maybe again, it's nothing.  I feel like I didn't complain enough or use my one time "get out of jail free cancer card" while I was going through all that and after.  Now, I'm just my normal self again and no one to feel sorry for me.  Wah!  Just kidding.  I'm glad it wasn't too hard.  I just hope they gave me enough of a dose that I'm cured.  Another thing, I worry about that a little.  The fact that my pain and suffering wasn't as severe as a lot of people.  That makes me worry.  I don't know why.  Maybe I should just be grateful.  And, I am grateful.  I'm going to leave it at that for now.  After all, we caught the big fish.  The deck hand told me I was magic and probably Nostradamos.  That was the first Blue Marlin they've caught in 2012.  LOL!  Lucky me!  Life is full of fun and interesting surprises.  You just never know.  Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Most of all be grateful when the best happens.

Check this out!

Today I got my power port taken out.  I wasn't sure at first that this would be a good idea since it cost $11,000 to have it installed and how do they know I don't need more chemo.  Well, apparently you don't get more chemo, just surgery if the tumor comes back. So, I guess it's okay it's out now even though I'm only a month post treatment.  Besides, I go to Hawaii in a month and it will be much cuter in my swimsuit not to have that creepy bump on my chest.  

They gave the Power Port to me to take home so I'm sharing a photo of it. I am on great terms with the doctors there.  They think I'm a freak because I won't be sedated during surgery.  I just have them numb it up with lidocaine and cut away.  It doesn't hurt.  It just feels like wierd tugging and pressing.  I guess most people like to forget about the whole event.  But I don't like missing out on 30 minutes of my life I'll never get back and plus you kind of feel crappy after sedation so I pass whenever I can.  My husband offered to take the sedative for me.  He's a great guy.  They said no.  

Much cuter NOT in my body.  The fabulous POWER PORT.

Four Weeks Post Treatment

Time flies when you're having fun.  It's true.  It's been 4 weeks since I finished my last treatment on July 23rd and the time has flown by.  The reason I'm having fun is that I have my old self back.  I feel really great!  I feel just like I did before May 16th, the fateful day that I learned I had cancer.  A lot has happened since that day.  I think a lot differently and I have learned so much medically and personally.

Going through six weeks of chemo and radiation seemed to take forever.  I remember signing the log book for my very first radiation treatment on 6/11/12 (same day as my first chemo), and thinking....... "wow, 30 treatments is such a long time".  Then when I was down to my last few days, my skin was peeling off, I had terrible burns, daily constant diarrhea, low energy, fogginess, dry mouth, lack of appetite, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Now, I'm having fun again.  Yay me!  I'm back!

I went in yesterday to meet with Dr. Murday, the surgeon.  It was a followup visit from my first consultation with her back in May.  Fast forward to  three months later and she is my hero.  The meeting was short.  She did a manual inspection and informed me with a big smile and hug that there was "marked improvement".  She repeated it more than once.  Basically, the tumor has shrunk sufficiently and is pretty much gone.  The chemo and radiation worked just the way that it was supposed to and will continue to work for around 12 weeks (post treatment) and I'm only on week 4.  I go back in 6 weeks to meet with her again.  As long as the tumor doesn't come back or grow, I won't need surgery.  I know I won't need surgery.  I've felt confident all along that this stuff works.  And, I've been so lucky for all kinds of love, support and prayers to supplement the medical magic which cures cancer in just 6 short weeks.  What a miracle right?

I asked her when I'd get a CT Scan to confirm everything.  It will be 12 months out.  That is what the standard is.  I continue to go in for followups a lot until then.  I'll confirm that with the oncologist when I go in November again.  In the meantime, I'm enjoying the fact that I went through all this and it worked and I feel great!

Tomorrow I get to go get my port taken out.  No more chemo for me so out it comes.  Time flies when you're having fun.

Done!

On Monday, July 23rd I completed my 30th radiation and thus completing cancer treatments.  I'm not gonna lie, the past 2 weeks have sucked a lot!  The only thing that kept my mind off how yucky I felt was having company and preparing for the "wiggin' out" party in Bear Lake (Sat. 7/21/12).  I think if no one came to stay and I didn't have the party then I probably would have just curled up into a big ball and never left the house!  But, per usual, I just battled through it and tried to ignore how tired I was and how sick I felt.  Sucked the big one!!!!!

The party turned out incredibly awesome.  Amber and I celebrated her 30th birthday (late, it's Jan. 13) and my 50th birthday (early, it's Nov. 26) with a wonderful BBQ with many, many, friends, and family.  To me, the celebration meant so much more than I initially thought it would.  I loved every minute of the perfect couple days and will cherish this memory of my 50th year.  My perspective on life has changed a lot in the past 2 months.  Amber and I schemed up our little party last year and sent out the 'save the date' cards in March to invite everyone to come play with us at the Nealy's house in Bear Lake, ID.  Amber and Adam worked hard to complete their garage/extra rooms so we had extra space.  Most people just camped out.  We partied like rock stars in our wigs and had a complete blast.  What an amazing time!

On Monday, Tera, Cindy, my mom and I went to Utah Cancer Specialists for my final treatment at 7:30 am.  I didn't know how I could even stand those last 6 treatments my burns were so bad and the skin was peeling off like zombie flesh.  It was pretty painful and gross.  The only thing keeping me going was knowing each day was one day closer to being DONE.  At first I was counting up.... day 2, day 10, day 13, day 14, day 19.... but after day 19, I started counting down... day 10, day 5, day 4, day 3, day 2, DONE!  Finally, it was here, my last day.  Thank the Lord.  Besides being extremely burned, I was exhausted, I didn't feel like myself, and had diarrhea so bad that it was ruining my good time.  Definitely HELL week! So..... I am DONE now, I rang the bell.  So happy, DONE!

My certificate and Utah Champagne

Ringing the bell!!! Celebrate!

Afterwards we went to breakfast and Marie Callendar's and then back for some blood work at 9:30.  My nadir (low point blood work) this time was lower than the last time which explains the tired.  Currently red blood count on 7/23 was 3.44 (officially anemic - normal is 4.04 - 5.48, my start was 4.48), white blood count was 11.5 (normal is 12-16, my start was 14.4), hematocrit was 33.1 (normal is 38 - 48, my start was 43), and platelets were 118 (normal is 140 - 450, my start point was 241).  The chemotherapy seems to kick in a lot around day 10 - 20 after therapy.  I didn't love that a lot but made the best of it.  It's interesting to note the cumulative effects of combining chemo and radiation treatments at the same time.  Today, Saturday 7/28/12, I am starting to bounce back and feel almost normal again.  I thank my niece Christi for giving me this wonderful cell protection balm (from Glymed-the company she works for) because that stuff is a miracle balm and has totally healed the burns in only a few days!  I feel so much better now.  YAY!

CELEBRATE!

What happens now?  Well, I meet with oncologist on the 8/13 for bloodwork and schedule getting the port taken out.  I meet with the surgeon on 8/21 for a followup. I meet with the radiologist on 8/23 for consultation.  Dr. Lee (radiologist) told me that there won't be any cat-scans or pet-scans for 2 - 3 months because it takes that long for me to heal up and get the effects of radiation and chemo out of my system.  So, stand by, more to follow on my miraculous cure.  :-)

Tuesday night's celebration diner at La Caille with Cindy Lee and Tera Swan.
Turning my Horror Story into a Cinderella Story!

The Final Countdown

What do you do when you can't sleep at night?  It's a choice between blog or Facebook.  Since I haven't written in a few days, I picked the former.  I've been thinking that it's time to post again.  But, it's sometimes challenging to decide what I want to write about, that I can write about, that I need to write about.

The past few days have been both miserable and fun.  Miserable because the side effects have really kicked in with the second round of chemo and day 24 of radiation.  I am always happy when the weekend comes for a break in treatment, but now I just wish it was over with.  As of today, I only have 5 more radiation sessions.  I'm counting them down and hoping that I can live through it all and I will, with a little help from my friends.  I'll get by with a little help from my friends.  Hey, maybe someone should write a song with those lyrics.

I am at the point that the doctor's promised me.  I now officially hate them!  I have had a few bad days where I'm blaming my body for giving up on me and fighting back.  Willie says I should not be mad at my body since it's held up for almost 5 weeks with virtually nothing and so I should be proud of that.  Maybe he's right.  I am strong and it's just time that I get my turn at a little pain and suffering.  These past few days are proving my point that I actually am a big fat whiner.  I know it would be so fascinating for me to fill you in on the actual details of the elephant in the room side effects, but because they are all so completely gross I am going to spare blogging about that.  Enough said.

The past few days have also been fun because some friends are staying with me and we've been able to hang out, visit, do some fun shopping, and site seeing.  I'm on vacation this week.  I decided last week that I would take this week off and use up some of my 184 vacation hours, resting, hanging out with my company, and getting ready for the "wiggin' out" party this Saturday in Bear Lake.  Turns out that I was right to take the week off.  I think work would be even less fun than usual this week.  In addition to Debbie and Joe visiting, my mom comes back to town on Wed., and as it turns out, Sam will be here tomorrow night too for a quick visit from California (goes home on Fri.).  So, once again, it's a full house this week.

Yesterday, we went to Kennecott Utah Copper (Bingham Canyon Mine - Rio Tinto) where Willie works.  They have a really nice visitor center and look out area over the mine site that I had never been to before.  I'm really glad I finally went to check it out.  It was amazing.  Kennecott is one of the largest copper mines in the world and produces over 1/4 of the world's copper supply.  It has been in Utah since 1903 and has produced more copper than any mine in history, about 18.7 million tons.  The mine is 2 3/4 miles across and 3/4 mile deep.  You could stack 2 Sears Towers on top of each other and not reach the top of the mine.  They produce copper (296,000 tons in 2010), molybdenum (28 million pounds in 2010), gold (596,000 ounces in 2010), silver (4.7 million ounces) and sulpheric acid.  It gave me a newfound respect and pride in what Willie does for a living.

Debbie, Joe and Cathy at Kennecott open pit copper mine

I've had so many visitors and well wishers in the past 2 months since I was diagnosed.  I get cards and nice notes every day from friends new and old with thoughtful enclosures and beautiful messages and thoughts.  I have had my friend Jill Wickens, my brother Carl, my friend Tera Swan, my friend Cindy Lee, my friend Wendy Cowell, my Aunt Betsy, my Mom, my friend's Debbie and Joe Kramer and soon Sam all come visit and stay for a few days.  People have placed my name into prayer circles and prayer chains in many different religions for which I am so grateful.  I have had prayers put out to just about every corner of the earth including the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem.  My mom's good friend Lorna from back in her California teaching days, recently visited Israel and was kind enough to stick a message of good wishes and prayers for me in the cracks of the ancient wall in Western Jerusalem.  Here's a photo she took of it and sent to my mom.  This is so cool!  How can I not be cured of cancer with all this magic coming my way?  

Can you see my special note in there?  Thank you Lorna! :-)

Here is a description of the wall found on the internet:

"Today, people put notes into the Western Wall every single day. The idea is not that we are praying to the Wall (that would be like talking to a wall!), but rather it is known that the Divine Presence rests on the Western Wall more than other places. (see Midrash Rabba - Exodus 2:2 and Song of Songs 2:4)

Furthermore, the Talmud teaches that all prayers ascend to heaven through Jerusalem. So writing a prayer on a piece of paper and sticking it in the Wall is like having a continual prayer linked to the prime source.

Today, with millions of people visiting the Western Wall each year (plus all the people using the internet service), the cracks can sometimes get pretty packed with notes! You can sometimes see one person standing on another's shoulders to get their note into an available crack. Because of the great volume, every so often, all the notes are removed from the Wall and buried, along with other holy objects that are not being used anymore.

May the Almighty answer all your prayers!

With blessings from Jerusalem,
Rabbi Shraga Simmons"




Even with the hell I'm now going through, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel finally.  I read a quote on someone's blog recently by Winston Churchill who once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going" and I think I will do that.  No sense stopping there right?  There's something good just around the corner.  Only 5 more radiation sessions to go.  I can't wait.  I'm looking forward to spending the weekend with even more good friends and family up at the lake to celebrate my 50th year.  And, what a year it has been so far!  

Roll on! Rock on!  Move over! 

Round 2

Today was day 20 of my radiation and day 1 (of 5) for my second round of chemo.  Willie went to my radiation appointment and the radiology tech invited him in to see my special room and machine that zaps me each day.  I've been wanting a photo of this contraption.  So, here it is in case you've been wondering too.  The round thing above me rotates around my pelvis radiating me in 10 locations starting at the bottom (literally) on the left side and moving all the way around to the right side (bottom).  A lot of times I count how long it takes the "zaps" last from 15 - 25 seconds each depending on the location.   After they they place me on the table they move me to within tolerances so that the red lazers line up with my tattoos and then they get out of the room and proceed with the radiating.  You can see that my medical terminology is getting soooo much better now that I've been going for 4 weeks.  All I can say is that I am sure it's working well and the radiologist says my burns are much better than usual as are my side effects.  I'm am a model subject.  I knew I would be.

Preparing to be radiated

After the radiation, Willie and I waited for my mom to join us and 8:30 to roll along.  I got in much quicker than the last time.  It was smooth sailing.  I got weighed, blood pressured, port accessed, blood drawn and then met with Dr. Gregg.  I'm glad to say that was uneventful.  I'm not having any real issues or concerns and as a result, I didn't have many questions.  She told me that I was doing better than average which made me super happy.  Then we went into the therapy room where I met with Erin again and she hooked up my saline, then the steroid (which helps with nausea) and then the mitomycin and 5FU (pack, affectionately called "Hummer" because of the sound it makes every 30 seconds).  I was out of there by 10:00 and off to work.  Willie and my mom off to do their fun things, not work.  The coolest thing was that Erin thought I was like Wonder Woman with my treatment.  That's just the way I like it.  I told her that I was that for Halloween last year.  I'm going to really prove it this year.

Love my warm blankets and juice!

Below are the blood counts from beginning (baseline) to today.  The first column has the averages of what is normal.  Then mine are off to the right under the date columns.  I only look at a few of them:  WBC (white blood count), RBC (red blood count), HGB (hemoglobin), Platelets (platelets).  I am back in the normal stage on all of these now.  Interesting to see how they have fluctuated.  I like how my blood pressure and pulse was SO much higher on 6/11/12 (first chemo day) because I was so nervous when they took it.  Now, the process isn't unknown to me, so it's much lower today; normal.  Check out the counts at the "nadir" which was my low counts on 6/25/12 to today.  Lookin' good.  I wonder what they'll be on 7/23 when I get the next one done?

More Than Half Baked

Today marked my 17th radiation treatment making me officially more than 1/2 baked.  What an accomplishment. The hardest part of last week, my week 3 of treatment, was actually work.  Making it through a turbulent end of month closing mortgage loans, I can chalk it up to one of my most horrible ever.  The sad part is, none of this was related to my chemo/radiation, just to the crappy challenges of closing mortgages these days.  The good news is, it's over now and this week is going better at work.  In fact, I'm actually considering taking some time off so that I can relax.  I think week 6 would be a good one to take off.

I've had so many people tell me that I should take time off to take care of me, but I honestly feel like working is working out even though it's quite stressful.  I'm used to that after 20 years in the mortgage industry.  It is what it is.  Fighting cancer is way easier.  I'm so fortunate that side effects are minimal for me; a bit of diahrrea, sunburned bum, dry mouth (and a few sores), food tastes kind of different, and some tiredness from time to time is about all I can complain about.  It could be so much worse.   I may just be tougher than I thought I was though so that's a good thing.  Up until now, I always thought I was a wimp and a whiner.  But, I'm learning that I'm one tough cookie after all.  I'm eating right, drinking lots of fluids, and resting when I need to.  Things are going exceptionally well and I expect they will continue so.

I was kind of excited to go to radiation today, day 17, because I don't have to get up early and go tomorrow.  They are closed.  I will celebrate the 4th of July in Park City, watching the parade with Willie and Carol at the Star Hotel.  Yippee!  My favorite holiday (yes, even before Halloween).  The only bad part of a day off radiation is that I do have to make up day 30 on Monday, 7/23.  I was hoping to be done the day before my big 50th birthday bash in Bear Lake, "Wiggin' Out".  Oh well, things happen for a reason.  I'm still happy I get tomorrow off.  Willie is off work too so we will enjoy sleeping in and being together on the 4th.

Today, marked another important milestone as well.  Today, 31 years ago, Willie and I got married, outside in the aspens at Audrey Stevens' beautiful home in Pinebrook (just outside of Park City, UT near the summit).  Can you believe it?  Thirty-one years!!  Just like 17 days of radiation, it seems like these 31 years went by fast yet so much has happened all at the same time.   Last year this time we were celebrating our 30th anniversary on the Coral Princess the night before we pulled into Ketchikan, AK for the 4th.  I love that we were married on July 3rd.  It's such an important holiday to me for 3 reasons: 1)  I think it's the best and most important historical holiday in the U.S.  2) I have so many warm memories growing up of spending the day every year at my grandma's house in South Gate lighting off sparklers, picolo pete's to scare Aunt Katie, and all kinds of cool fireworks, 3) my anniversary on the 3rd makes it a triple threat.  I love the 4th of July!!  I'm so grateful for my wonderful, loving husband who supports me more than I can ever thank him for.

Today, I'm glad I'm more than half baked.  I'm even more glad I've had 31+ exciting and fabulous years of marriage.  I'm looking forward to my final 13 days of radiation and my next round of chemo on Monday, July 9th.  Life is so much fun!

July 3, 1981

July 3, 2011

Willie and I getting off the ship in Ketchikan 7/4/11

Beginning of week #3

Today I had my 15 day follow up blood test, called Nader. I had my 11th radiation session (not that I'm counting or anything) and walked across the lobby to get my blood drawn (from my port). I was interested to see how low the count was. Here's the rundown of it: white blood count 3.6 (avg 4.2-10.5), red blood count 3.93 (avg 4.04-5.48), HGB was normal range at 12.7 (avg 12.0-16.0), HCT 37.4 (avg 38.0-48.0), platelet count 94 (avg 140-450). There were a few more on the print out provided when I asked if she'd write it down for me. Basically I am doing great and the counts are not alarmingly low. Nothing to worry about and I can rebuild from here until the next chemo treatment on July 9th. The effects of both chemo and radiation are cumulative so I'm preparing for the worst and expecting the best just as I have done from the beginning which seems to be working out for me. So far I'm feeling really good, working everyday, and I stil have hair. Happy day!

1 Week Down, 5 To Go!

I'm so excited.  It's Friday and I got my little friend (the chemo-pack, affectionately nicknamed "Hummer" by my hubby because of the sound it makes every 15 to 30 seconds) removed today.  It was nice to have the tube taken out after hauling it around for 5 days.  Don't get me wrong, I was super happy to have the privilege of taking this thing everywhere with me because it's got a big part in helping to fix me up.  Since I love pictures, I knew I had better get some quick shots of this device before they took it out so the photos below were taken last night.  I'm a dork, I know.  

The "Connection"

Carry Case for Chemo Meds

On the inside (5FU)

The front and how it works (battery)

Anyway, I flew through the first week without so much as a side effect.  If I have to claim one, I'd say I was a little tired.  However, that might have just been from the sound of the pack going off all night long, or maybe having to rotate around the tube while trying to sleep, or maybe just having to get out of bed an hour earlier every day to make my 7:30 am radiation appointment.  I keep on hoping for the best, drinking lots of water (trying to drink the recommended 3 liters a day) and eating small meals every two hours.  Willie makes sure my snack bag is out on the counter every morning so I don't forget it.  So far so good.  I am staying ahead of the curve.  

Monday to Friday was pretty much routine starting out with radiation at 7:30, work at 8:00 and then home to rest.  Then, I'd do it all over again the next day.  I'm happy for the weekend and looking forward to a drive up to Bear Lake on Sunday for a visit with Amber and Adam.  Then home to pick up my friend Cindy who is coming for a few days to visit.  

I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop on the radiation treatment.  Apparently it can make you more tired than usual and I'm pretty much guaranteed to get a giant sunburn on my you know what and groin area since that is the target.  They are burning out the abnormal cells of the tumor which they say, will not regenerate as quickly as the healthy cells.  That's good news!  I can say that I am not looking forward to being sunburned in that area and how to "deal" with it.   I guess I'll just think about it tomorrow.  

For now I'm sliding into the weekend triumphant in knowing I have a little break from treatment, and reflecting on how many phenomenal friends, family, coworkers, past acquaintances I have and how much their love, prayers, thoughts of hope, and little pick me up presents and flowers have meant to me in the month since I was diagnosed with cancer.   Truly these things have brightened my days and made a stressful time one of the most remarkable in my life so far.  

P.S.  A lot of people have commented that they can't "comment" on the blog and have sent me separate messages which I love.  But it you want to post a comment on here what you do is scroll down to the bottom of the post where it says, Posted by Cathy Rixey at 3:41 PM 0 commentsand double click on the word 0 comments.  Or, if it says 2 comments, double click on that.   That will open up the box to post a comment.  :-)  You will need to have a google account or sign up for one.  But, once you have that, you can post.  Easy....  Just sayin'

First Day Chemo/Radiation

Today went amazingly well.  We left the house at around 7:00 this morning for my 7:30 "real deal" radiation.  As we were pulling out of the driveway I told Willie that I felt like I was forgetting something and he told me that I can just forget my cancer at the treatment center (smile).  Since I am the first person of the day each day for 30 treatments I just walk in, change into my gown and go radiate for awhile.  It really wasn't so bad.  They play some nice toons while you get zapped.  The first one on was "Celebrate Good Times, Come On" by Kool and The Gang.  So I rocked out that treatment and went to breakfast afterwards.  It didn't hurt a bit.

We were promptly back in the lobby at 8:50 to wait for the chemo treatment and to talk to Dr. Gregg.  I didn't get in for the appointment until 9:40 but that was okay by me.  There was one false alarm at 9:10 when they called for Catherine, but it wasn't me.......  :-)  I was really nervous for all of this but as with all the other things I've been through, this too was not so bad.

Before meeting with the oncologist, the chemo nurse took my baseline blood sample out of the port.  The first prick is the worst one I hear but I dutifully applied my Lidocaine-Prilocaine Cream the size of a quarter 1 hour before and then reapplied it at 9:10 just in case.  Even with the cream it still hurt a bit when she put the needle in the port but once it was in I was A-Okay.  My blood pressure was a bit higher than normal but I guess that's normal really (147 over 90 and normally I'm closer to 130 over 80 normally, but I have all kinds of new normal now).

After that, I met with Dr. Gregg and got all my questions answered.  She wrote me a few scripts to pick up; 2 anti nausea (Compazine (prochlorperazine) 10mg and the other one is a narcotic called Ativan (lorazepam) 1mg which will help me sleep along with helping with nausea), she also gave me 1 antibiotic prescription (to only take if directed for fevers over 100.4 called Levofloxacin 500 mg).  I have decided it's good to keep all of these on hand.  I just hope I'm not afraid to use them.  I've sort of decided it's okay now that they've officially pumped some Kryptonite (seriously) into my viens, or it is arteries, or heart.  Whatever, it's in there now.

After meeting with Dr. Gregg, I learned from Erin (my other chemo nurse) that I may have a few other new side effects of my specific chemo drugs:  mouth sores, and "hand foot syndrome" which is redness, tenderness, swelling and potentially peeling and blistering of the skin on the feet and hands.  I bought some L-Lysine that will help that if it happens and some Biotene which will help with the mouth sores if I get them.  All of these things I'm supposed to call if they last more than 24 hours. Geez!  I hope none of them happen but then I might think that it isn't working and they aren't pumping enough poison in me.  The chemo treatment is aimed at the mucus areas of gastro intestinal track which begins at the mouth and goes all the way to you know where.  I guess compounding the radiation with the chemo is supposed to really make me tired but we'll see.  Exercising and eating right will help so I'll do that instead.  My favorite tip of the day was the BRAT diet.  I think it's quite appropriate for me.  BRAT stands for bananas, rice, applesauce and toast.  I'm supposed try and stick to non-acidic gastrointestinal friendly foods.  And, the good news is sugar is NOT a no no.

Now for the grand finale.  Check out the size of the super needle with the dark blue (but in the tube it looked more like the purple of a glow in the dark necklace) below.  I've included a few photos of the progression.  After Erin explained the process, effects and dietary needs, she started with some saline, then a steroid (which took 20 minutes to go in) and then the 10 minute "push" of the mitomycin (chemo-drug) and then she hooked me up to my nifty little carry home bag at noon that stays connected for 96 hours dispursing 5FU and sent me off.  I go back on Friday, June 15th at noon to unhook.  In the meantime, Day 1 of chemo / radiation "check", only 29 more to go.

I was a little nervous waiting

Blue Mitomycin 

Letting it sink in with my warm blankets (favorite part)

All done (sort of)! YAY Me!

The Friday Before the Big Monday

I had a busy doctor day today.  My morning started off at St. Mark's to get the sutures taken out (from my port).  That took all of 2 minutes so I got in to work at 8:30 am as usual.  This reminds me that I got the bill for the surgery last night.  It was a whopping $10,989!  Talk about sticker shock.  I don't know what I expected but I guess this is worth it.  This little implant is going to save me a bunch of needle sticks for the next 6 months.  When I go back to get it removed, I can keep it.  I think I might do that because the port implant cost $1702 (of the $10,989).  I don't have many things I own that cost that much money.  And, since it will be a part of my body for awhile, I might as well keep it and frame it or put it on a key chain or something.  Ideas anyone?  It's nice the sutures are out because I had to cover it with Saran Wrap during showers.  Now I can just shower and not worry about that.  It's tucked neatly inside the skin now.

Next came the noon "dry run" on my radiation.  That was interesting.  Starting on Monday, I get to be the first person of the day.  My appointments for the next 6 weeks (weekdays) are at 7:30 am.  The process will only take about 15 minutes so off to work by 8:00 am afterwards.  The radiations will shoot beams into me in 10 different spots in the groin/pelvic area that basically circle my body and destroy the bad cells by burning the living heck out of them.  Yay!  I can't wait to get started......  ask me how I feel in a couple weeks though.

The final appointment of the day was a mammogram at 3:00 pm.  I skipped last year so decided that I needed to get all my annual exams caught up before the treatment started.  I had the PAP last week as I missed that one last year too.  The results of that test came in last night too and they are fine.  I feel that the colonoscopy taught me that early detection is good.  I'm going to pay a lot more attention to my medical things from now on.  So far, I've been able to pretty much ignore them because I've always been so darn healthy.   I still am healthy, so I want to keep it that way.

I topped off Friday night by working until 7:35 pm and drove home to a yummy dinner that Willie cooked.  He's so wonderful and not a bad cook.  Of course, he's had a lot of practice in 31 years of marriage because dinners are a 50/50 split between him and I.  Or, maybe he cooks 60% and I do 40% but who's counting.  I'm glad to be caught up at work for now until the next wave hits next week.

Monday is the big day.  I'll go in at 7:30 am for the radiation treatment.  We'll probably go get some breakfast at the nearby Marie Calendar's  after the radiaion but before my first chemo-therapy session at 9:00 - 11:00.  Willie, Amber & Adam, will go with me to keep me company Monday.  Only one at a time can go in the room with me.  It's sort of a group setting with 10 - 15 chairs and not enough room for more than one at a time.  The mitomycin goes in for about an hour.  Then I get the pack to take with me for 96 hours of 5FU (I love that).  I will head back on Friday for that to be removed and slide into the weekend.

Sunny Sunday - 1 week to go

I love weekends.  It's a great time to relax, unwind, do useless things around the house, watch Ridiculousness (LOL), and get caught up on work.  This time of year the weather in Salt Lake is glorious and it's so great to enjoy the sunshine and fabulous weather.

As I reflect back to last week with it's flurry of appointments, Friday made me smile.  Friday morning started out with me going to St. Marks to have radiology look at the port to be sure it's okay.  Steve, Anne, and Josh were all there and let me know that they, "were still talking about me in there".  They asked if I needed some "drugs" while they took off the dressing (smile).  Funny funny funny... it's so important to laugh.  Josh removed the old bandage and left it off the top incision and rewrapped the bottom one (with the port under it).  I didn't have to see it which is good because I'm such a chicken.  They said it looked great which was enough for me.  Today, I finally got brave and unwrapped it myself because it was kind of tight and itchy.  It was time.

I looked in the mirror and discovered it was not quite as monstrous as I imagined; looked pretty okay actually.  I have an appointment on Friday, 6/8 to go back and have them take out the stitches.  I'm glad I have the extra week to heal up.  I also opened up the manual because I didn't really understand how this thing works and it was kind of creeping me out a little.  Looking at the picture, it makes sense.  I'm glad that I have a port so I don't have to get stuck every single time I go in to the doctor now.

Diagram of Power Port

After I took off the dressing today :-)

I took a trip up to Huntsman Cancer Institute this morning to visit a friend from Elko.  She is beating lung cancer and has done a helluva job at it for the past year basically shrinking out the tumor(s) with chemo and stuff.  She is so inspiring, beautiful, brave and positive.  At 35, with 5 children ages 4 - 19, she lives life with energy and force that most people don't even come close to having.  I am so happy I got to see her and visit for awhile.  She's been there for 9 days and gets to go home tomorrow probably, after they take a couple of tubes out of her and do a couple more CT scans.  Her doctors are fabulous and she follows their directions and takes care of herself so she is healing well.  It is so cool!

Today is a beautiful sunny Sunday.  I am excited for each day next week that takes me one day closer to my cure.

Tattoo(s)

I got my first tattoo(s) yesterday.  I never wanted a tattoo but these were necessary.  Willie and I met with the radiologist yesterday at 11, Dr. Jeffrey Lee.  He explained the process of radiation, side effects, and hopeful outcome.  He also indicated that he needs at least a week to map out the radiation therapy and make sure the dose is correct therefore after consulting with my oncologist they decided to move the first day of my chemo/radiation to 6/11 to allow enough time to plan the proper treatment.  I'm a bit disappointed that it got moved, but on the other hand the extra weeks time works for me right now.  I have to get my port checked this am and then the stitches come out on 6/8 so it will be totally healed by the time I start chemo which is good.  And, I get to do a trial run on the radiation on Friday, 6/8 also.  On that day, they will give me my 6 week schedule of times that I get to go in.  I asked for mornings so that I can get it done and then go in to work.  After that, it's on to the big day........ 6/11, my first chemo/radiation session.  I have plenty to do to gear up for that.

After my meeting with Dr. Lee, I went back into the medium donut room (CT Scan room) where I will get all my radiation and got my tattoos.  The tattoos are necessary to line up the radiation.  I have 3 of them.  No, they aren't exciting at all.  They don't give you an option for skull and crossbones, or butterflies and flowers.  They are just tiny freckle dots on both of my hips and one above my pelvic bone.

Today is Friday.  TGIF!  Got through the work week and flurry of doctors appointments.  I'm excited for the weekend so that I can get caught up on things and relax a little.   Right now, I'm off to get my port checked.  I still haven't taken off the bandage to check it out.  I'm a bit of a baby.  But it doesn't feel bad at all.  It will be interesting to see what it looks like.

I totally rock!

I survived the port installation!  Once again it wasn't as bad as I imagined.  I think the biggest reason for that is that everyone was so nice and they let me do it my way.  I was more worried about being sedated than I was about the surgery.  I have this weird phobia about that and I think it should be for major surgery.  Doctors intend for you not to feel pain and suffer but that can mean a lot to different people.  They have your best interest at heart which is why it's so cool that the nurse let me decide not to take the Fentanyl and Versed.  Anne, the RN that was going to keep me comfortable, instead held the needles like Edward Scissorhands and made eye contact with me the whole time.  This was awesome because my head was under a tent and Steve and Melissa (Doc and Nurse) implanted the HUGE thing in my chest and made the cuts in my neck and upper breast area to put in the POWER PORT.  I love the sound of that.  It sounds like I have a video game in me or at the very least you can plug into it and do some fabulous things.  This is going to totally save me from needles in my arms all the time which if you know me well you know I HATE!!  I know everyone hates that but I'm phobic about it so the yoga breathing and visualization is really really helping me out with this whole cancer thing so far.

Another cool thing about today was that my nurse was Debby and had been at St. Marks for 18 years.  That made me feel better too and she was super smart and nice and experienced.  She put in the iv in my wrist where they took a couple of pre-op vials of blood to make sure I clot okay.  I guess it must have been fine because I got the surgery and didn't bleed profusely.  It all worked out.

Now for the best part of all......  after leaving the hospital around 12:30, I got to leave soon because I wasn't sedated, my mom "my driver" met my friend Sherry at the Olive Garden for lunch.  It was great to visit and eat because once again I keep having these procedures that require you not to eat or drink for 24 hours or 12 hours or starting at midnight, whatever!  No wonder I'm losing weight.  It's not from worrying, it's from not eating and drinking all the time.  Sherry gave me a beautiful pink Carribean scented candle and a card that makes me smile.  She is such a great longtime friend and I smile thinking that she called me her "light".  :-)

Anyway, back to the rest of the story of today......  We drove home and I was greeted with so many beautiful things from everywhere.  The doorbell rang and I got flowers from Debbie and Joe.  OMG!  They were absolutely amazing.  I can not believe how gorgeous they are.  And, then it rang again.  I got a beautiful, amazing, wonderful, bright Coach backpack/purse and matching wallet and sunglasses from Cindy and Kevin.  Cindy knows me so well and once again picked out the most phenomenal thing to totally brighten my day!  I also got two cd's from Marita to help relax me and the best part of that was her funny sticky notes..."out out damn spot".  That reminds me of my wonderful gramma.  And, there was a beautiful, thoughtful gift from Walt and Janet who stopped by.  I totally love it (bracelet and matching earrings with a meaning).  I got a loving card from Peg.

It has been so nice to have the amount of support that I have gotten from everyone.  It has been absolutely great to have visitors, love, prayers and good thoughts coming my way in bulk.  I truly want everyone to know how much this has meant to me.  Thank you so much!  Today, in my heart, I am truly grateful.  More grateful than I have ever felt.  And.........I did it!  I conquered the POWER PORT!! What next?

This is me with my bandages :-)  YAY ME! 

I got a Power Port!  I go back Friday to check it and 6/8 to take out the stitches.

Another appointment

Today I had my first pity party.  I called the oncologists office and left a message about when I was supposed to get my "port" installed.  The port is the thing that they put the chemo into, take blood out of, give fluids, put in antibiotics etc.  It means that you don't need to have needles put into the veins in your arms every time you have treatment.

Anyway, they called me back and decided I get to go in and have this done tomorrow morning at 9 am.  Apparently it's a big thing because you need a "driver" for afterwards and that's why I am upset.  First of all, I was planning on working a full day tomorrow.  I wasn't expecting to "need a driver" or be on some local or general anesthesia.  So, I was upset!  It's probably not a big thing but to me it is.  I like to plan and schedule and they dropped it on me.  Then they (the scheduling people) ask a bunch of questions I feel they should already know the answers to and they can't tell you anything important.  FRUSTRATING!  Not to mention it is kind of messing up my work day tomorrow and lunch with my friend that I was planning on.   The worst of all is that now it feels so real.

I hope it doesn't hurt too much and that they do it right the first time.  Wish me luck!

Memorial Day Weekend

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday have flown by this week.  Today, I'm just chillaxing with Amber.  Did a little flow yoga (Sunday church with Jamie) at Shiva Center this morning, ate and shopped at Whole Foods, came home took a nap.  Ahhh.... the perfect day so far.  I'm glad it's a 3 day weekend.

Wednesday, Willie and I went to a "chemo class".  It was 3 hours long.  The nurse talked about eating right, drinking lots of water, and taking care of yourself.  The rest of it was pretty much what you'd expect.  There were two other people in the class each going through their own private hell with cancer.  I couldn't quit thinking about Ileen who had ovarian cancer.  She is 69 and had a 13 pound tumor removed a couple of months ago.  She had ovarian cancer when she was 37 and has lived 32 years cancer-free.  She was having a lot of remorse over not removing the other ovary way back when.  She cried a lot, already had started taking the anxiety meds and still hadn't decided IF she was going to do chemo (even though 3 doctors told her she needed it).  The other gal had lung cancer and a broken arm that she got at work lifting a box and her arm just broke because of the weakened bones from the tumor.  That sounded just horrible.  She had already gotten in her "port" which is the little channel that they will administer the chemo medicine into.  They both were having the same type of therapy where they go for 4 - 5 hours and then every 21 days for 6 treatments.  My treatment is different drugs than theirs and the nurse thought I might not even lose all my hair because I have so much of it.  Although, she said for a lot of people that it's pretty traumatic and emotional when your long hair falls out.  I'm not that worried about it either way.  I'll just have to wait and see.  I don't know when I get my "port" put in.  I need to ask about that.

Thursday morning started out with a CT scan.  I got to drink a couple of bottles of berry flavored barium. Then, I got to slide in and out of a medium sized donut this time for some more cool pictures of my insides.  That was to get clearer photos of tumor size and location.  In the afternoon, I met Willie at St. Mark's and we met with Dr. Murday, the surgeon.  I really enjoyed meeting with her.  She seemed competent, confident, and was very informative.  She encouraged me, told me I would be okay, and that she is the back up plan only.  This kind of cancer is treated quite effectively with chemo and radiation.  I didn't know that it's the radiation that shrinks the tumor and the chemo just helps to make that easier for the radiation.  She measured the tumor, confirmed there is just only one, took lots of notes, and sent me on my way with a hug.  Willie and I both got a yummy chocolate before setting my next appointment with her on August 21.

In between these doctor meetings, I've been working.  Friday was no different.  I went into work early for a meeting at the East Broadway branch with my renovation specialist, Lisa.  Then, worked on all the applications as I usually do.

The highlight of week is that my friend Tera came down from Bellingham for a visit.  She brought some goodies for me.  We were able to spend some quality time hanging out, organizing, and wig shopping.  Amber came down from Bear Lake for a much needed visit too.  And, even Christi and Olivia stayed over for a couple nights.  It was nice to see everyone.  I enjoyed it a lot and got lots of much needed hugs.  

Amber cut her hair on Thursday and donated it to "Locks of Love".  Isn't that sweet?  Now both of my kids have donated their hair to a good cause.  Sam did it in 2009 (on his birthday in Boston) after growing it out for 2 years after leaving the Navy.

And the final photo..... of me trying on wigs just in case..........  

NOPE!  :-)

Too Courtney Cox, but maybe in a different color.

I like it.  

First meeting with the Oncologist

The stage is IIIA: (t1-3, N1, MO) The PET scan was clear and the cancer has not spread to any other of my organs.  It has however spread into 1 lymph node.  I'm not sure if it's in my groin or which specific lymph node it is in.  I think I understood it is a nearby lymph node (diameter 1.6 cm).  But, because of this, it makes it stage IIIA.

I have a really busy cancer schedule for the next couple of weeks.  Tomorrow Willie and I get to go to a chemo class at 3PM.  Then on Thurs. I have a CT scan at 9:45 and an appointment with a surgeon at St. Marks at 3PM.  On May 31 at 11 am I meet with the radiologist and then on June 4 at 10:30 am, I begin 6 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy. The chemo/radiation is standard for my cancer and the treatment is the same for stage 1, 2 or 3.  Surgery is  no longer the standard option for most people with anal cancer.  In people who do need surgery, the type of operation depends on the type and location of the tumor.  The drug(s) used for chemo are:  Fluorouacil and Mitomycin.  I will go in on Monday the 4th and sit in the comfy chairs for a couple of hours pumping in toxins to kill the cancer.  Then I leave with a bag/pack that dispenses chemo in me the rest of the week that I carry around.  I go back on Friday for that to come out.  Then wait 3 weeks and do that again.  Basically 2 rounds of the drug and 6 weeks of daily radiation (which is painless and only takes 10 - 15 minutes).  I will have a "port" put in next week for the chemo to go in.

Fun chemo side effects include the more common:  Decreased white blood cell count with increased risk of infection (this can occur several weeks after the medication is given - 2 to 3 weeks is common), decreased platelet count with increased risk of bleeding, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, fatigue, hair loss, headache, weakness, muscle aches, increased tearing an irritation of the eyes, dry flaky skin.   I know, sounds wonderful!  :-)  I can't wait.

More importantly, I am going to reach out and attack this and kill it out of my body with these nasty drugs.   I feel like it's not a movie anymore, it's become a war.  Now that I know the plan of attack, I feel more powerful.  Not knowing was the worst.  I hope that is the worst.  I think it will be the worst.  Anything else I can handle.

Tonight, when I got done around 4:15 with scheduling talking to the dr. and scheduling all my appointments, I spent the next 4 hours on the phone calling as many people as I could and explaining.  I didn't feel like blogging was the way to go today.  I still have more calls to make, but for now, I'm okay posting this information just to log it in.  I can't tell you how much it has meant to me hearing from everyone the love, support, prayers, gifts, passion, and tears.  It is amazing what wonderful people I have in my life.  I'm grateful for each and every one of you.

Tomorrow I will be working as usual.  Then off to chemo class at 3PM with Willie.

I'm the Star

It occurred to me today that since last Wednesday's revelation I have almost felt like I was in a dream.  Then I realized that it was actually a movie, a horror movie.  I'm the star in my own horror movie and the monster is "cancer" (and the director and producer too).  In my movie, I don't know the ending or what is going to happen next.  The monster is lurking out there and it's going to be a surprise when he jumps out.  I just hope that the ending is a good one.  I feel bad that all the "actors" in my movie are my friends, family, co-workers and doctors and that they are all in the same boat with me.  They are acting their part in supporting roles, each of which are so very important.  When I read books, I always skip to the last 2 or 3 pages so I can see what happens in the end.  That's what's bad about movies.  You can't do that.  You just have to wait.  I realized that today was one of the first days of waiting of many more to come.  It starts out gently at first......

My PET/CT scan this morning was not too bad.  I think as far as scans, like MRI, or CT, this one was kind of cool.  Basically, they prick your finger for sugar in the blood (like for diabetes - my friend Paul Bird has one of these little units that we played with once).  Then, you just get an iv put in your arm.  After that, they send you go off into a private room to sit in a comfy recliner listening to Yanni on the boom box and drink a lemony drink for an hour.  Oh ya, I almost forgot.  That happens after the radiologist shoots you up with a nuclear cocktail that makes your insides look purdy for the camera.  It wasn't a normal shot.  It was in a space age metal thing about the size of a small carry on size hair spray in a metal radiation proof container.  I'm not supposed to go around small children or pregnant women for a day or two if I can help it.

After an hour of relaxation and letting the stuff take hold of your insides, you undress into everyone's favorite backless gown and go lie down on a long table with your knees propped up on a foam triangle.  The radiologist covers you up with those yummy warm towels they have in hospitals, you listen to Beach Boys (or whatever you want to, I chose Beach Boys. Next time, I'll be smarter and bring my own music and a magazine - note to self).  Then you slide in and out of what resembles a giant white donut for 30 minutes, and all the while you are not supposed to move.  Boy do you want to itch when they tell you not to move, or sneeze, or cough, or wiggle your toes....  

The radiologist was super nice.  Her name was Penny.  She is very experienced.  I'm sure we're going to be great friends.  I wanted to ask her to take a photo of me going into the giant donut but I just don't know if that is PC (politically correct) yet in this stage of our relationship so I didn't.  I'm sure Penny and I are going to be great friends soon.

Tomorrow is the BIG day, the first of many.  Today's scene in my movie was just the preview.  I meet with Dr. Gregg at 1:30 so she can tell me what's next.  So far, the worst part is the wait.   You just never know when the monster is going to jump out.  But, the one thing I know is that usually the hero wins in the movies I watch and defeats the monster; even the monsters that keep on getting up.  Since,  I'm the hero and the star of my movie, I think that's what's going to happen.  We'll all have to wait and see what happens next.

Sitting in my comfy chair with warm blankies relaxing

My cute pink bandage and lemony drink to show my insides

Yumm!  See, I can do it.  Much tastier than the Movi Prep (for colonoscopy)