Getting Serious & Coming "c"lean

This past week I started exercising again.  It has been about 6 months since I really did anything.  I had wanted to exercise during treatment but that didn't really work out because I was just too busy with treatment, work, visitors.  It seems like I can find an excuse and lots of reasons for not doing it, mainly lack of extra time.  I feel like I need to retire first in order to fit in a good exercise routine anymore.  I am not a morning person, but I'm going to create that habit again so that I have that extra hour to exercise.  It really just doesn't work to save it for the evening, after work.  By then, I am just too tired, have to make or eat dinner, do some laundry, watch some tv show I'm addicted to, or play on Facebook for awhile.  After I get home from work, there is only about 2 - 3 hours until bedtime.   Those hours go fast.

I always seem to need a reason to begin exercising, again, to keep my commitment to it.  I like a goal.  This time the goal is health and need.  I need to exercise not only physically, but also mentally.  While I was on the treadmill today, I was inspired to blog about the things I'm coming clean about and how serious I am about exercise now, again.  I've always been blessed with good health and I attribute that a lot to exercise.  I've been in competitive sports since I was 8 years old.  Although, the sports change, and at times in my adult life, exercise is sporadic, I always get back to it.  It is definitely a NEED, as well as a WANT.

I used my profile picture on my blog as the vulture behind me on Doomsday hill from May 6, 2012.  Subliminally this photo is cancer behind me and me winning the battle against it with my arms in the air  in total victory and happiness.  When this photo was taken, I didn't know I had cancer.  I had my colonoscopy on May 9, 2012 a few days after Bloomsday where this picture was taken in Spokane, WA.  Doomsday Hill is at mile 5.5 of 7 in the race and I always look forward to making it up to the top of that hill and seeing what color the year's t-shirt will be.  Now I look forward to getting around that circling vulure (cancer) and making it through to the water stations, hoses spraying us, and the rest of the cool bands (the rest of my healthy happy life), because I know they are always there to make the race a lot more fun for the participants and then I get my t-shirt.  The picture of this vulture is somewhat ironic to me now. I love that it was taken right before I found out.  And, I love that it's behind me, efore I went up the hill.  How ironic is that?  Now, I have made it around him, and I'm on the other side so I can finish the race.

The second thing that I am coming "c"lean about is that I purposely titled my blog "Cathy's cancer" with a "s"mall "c".  I didn't even like to say "c"ancer at first because it made it real and it felt like I was accepting it into my body.  I didn't even know I had it so I certainly wasn't willing to accept it at first.  I felt like I was being punked when he told me.  I really felt like I didn't even have it at all.  So, I consciously decided to make it a small "c" so that I wouldn't give it credit for anything bigger than that, like God, or English, or North.  I know now that cancer is very very powerful.  I was ignorant before I found out and experienced the powerful treatment to rid my body of this horrible disease.  It has power in the body and it has even stronger power in the mind.  But, I decided early on that by seeing the small "c" it would remind me that I had power over IT and that I could beat this thing, "C"athy with a "C"apital "C".  I will beat it in my mind, and I will beat it in my body.  Another subliminal message to me that I'm now telling about.  

I realize that I keep a lot of things inside.  Lately some of the things I've kept inside are, I've been worried about my sore throat that I've had for about 3 months now.  It went away briefly at the end of our Hawaii trip but came right back a couple days after we got home to UT.  Should I move to Hawaii?  Hmmm....   I worry about if the cancer is gone.  I feel like it is and have no reason to think any differently based on my digital exams.  I have appointments with all three doctors in the next few weeks but so far not PET/CT scan.  And, I'm not sure I want one anyway.  Isn't that just adding more radiation to my body again?  I wonder if it's out of my lymph node.  How do they tell that?  I wonder if it spread.  How do I find that out?  I didn't know I had it to begin with so are there signs of spreading?  Should I even let these negative thoughts come in to my mind?  I worry about that?  I worry about the hip pain and stiffness I now feel.  It started about a month after treatment ended and it is so weird.  I guess it's a side-effect of the intense radiation but I don't love it.  It kind of feels like how I used to feel after a good hard work out, or maybe after Bloomsday.  But, it's not that. 

The hip pain and stiffness is one of the reasons I'm back in the exercise mode again.  I need to counteract the side effects.  I also believe that exercise is purging my body of bad cells, bad toxins, and making me stronger so I can live a longer healthier life.  My biggest fear would be getting to my 100th birthday and not having a good quality of life.  I'm going to get in a little better shape and then go back to Bikram Yoga again.  That will also help my strength and flexibility.  

I started my 50th year, last year when I turned 49, with the flu.  It was awful.  In May, I found out I had cancer.  That wasn't so great either.  When November 26th rolls around this year and I actually turn 50 and start my 51st year, I want to know I'm healthy and celebrate!  I'm past the vulture and at the top of Doomsday Hill!  This has been one of the most interesting years of my life so far.  I've learned a lot.  I don't want to miss the opportunity I've been given to change, grow, improve, and build on these experiences.  Part of that crossroad is coming "c"lean and exercising.  I just have to.

11 Weeks Post Treatment

It's been awhile since I posted on here.  I've felt like I didn't have much to say.  Life has pretty much returned to normal, and so have I.  It's been 11 weeks since my last radiation treatment on July 23rd.  That is almost twice as long as the time it took to treat me (6 weeks) for cancer.  It was such an interesting time in my life and my year.  I still can't believe the whirlwind of it all.

I have so many observations, memories, and experiences that I'll always remember about that period in my life.  It is so nice to be finished with chemo and radiation.  Now, in the aftermath, I meet with the oncologist (every 3 months), the radiologist (every 3 months) and the surgeon (every 6 weeks for awhile) until I get my next instructions.  Soon, those meetings will taper off to once every three months, then every 6, then annually.... then 5 years..... remission.  :-)  Takes 5 years to be in the safe zone.  But, in the meantime, I go in about once a month to see one of those 3 doctors.  The appointments don't last long.  They are usually happy with my progress so far, in this 11 weeks, then they schedule the next one.

I met with the surgeon last week.  We are close friends now if you know what I mean since she has intimate knowledge of my most private parts and how they feel and are supposed to feel.  She said it will be 6 months before she orders a CT/PET scan.  I'm looking forward to seeing that and it should tell the big story of past and present and indicate NED (no evidence of disease).  I'm lucky that I didn't have the horrible experience of a lot of people in my same boat.  I had a fairly good experience.  I often wonder if I'm in denial, or just don't accept pain and suffering afterall.

Speaking of being in the same boat, I always thought I was a whiner about pain, and being sick, but after spending 11 hours in the Hawaiian ocean deep sea sport-fishing a week ago and puking my guts out in front of a group of 5 people all day I guess I can pretty much take anything to get to the prize.  I went through 2 week long rounds of chemotherapy and never took one pill or threw up!  It took the turbulent Hawaiian ocean to do it to me.  It's probably weird that I would analgize (is that a word?) sport-fishing to chemo but the reward was sweet with both.  We caught the prized 440 pound blue marlin!  And, I'm pretty sure I kicked cancer's ass, literally.  So, you see, it's not such a stretch as you'd think.

I sort of compare everything in life to something else in life.  It's weird.  I'm weird.  But with cancer, I was put on board a boat that I didn't pay to ride.  And, I feel like it's all working out really well and I got to the end of the day and cured the disease I never knew I had.  Like a deep sea sport-fishing you never know if you're coming home with a giant 440 pound Blue Marlin, six 100 pound Ahi, or empty handed.  It's all luck, skill, history, and a good captain.

Regarding how I feel, well, I feel great.  I don't have any issues at all, I think.  It's business as usual.  I look for things all the time that might be a little off.  Here's what I notice.  Doing this treatment put me into menopause.  I had my last period on 6/24/2012.  I think maybe I have some sweats but not sure.  So, maybe it's nothing at all.  Super glad not to have periods.  Yay me!  Then I have a little bit of achiness in my hip and groin area.  Is it from the radiation or just the fact I haven't really exercised much for the past 9 months?  Hmmmm......not really sure.  So any time I go on a hike, or move big stuff around, or yoga, or exert myself in the extra hard way I'm used to doing, I am achy.  But, I think that was normal bc (before cancer) too so maybe again, it's nothing.  I feel like I didn't complain enough or use my one time "get out of jail free cancer card" while I was going through all that and after.  Now, I'm just my normal self again and no one to feel sorry for me.  Wah!  Just kidding.  I'm glad it wasn't too hard.  I just hope they gave me enough of a dose that I'm cured.  Another thing, I worry about that a little.  The fact that my pain and suffering wasn't as severe as a lot of people.  That makes me worry.  I don't know why.  Maybe I should just be grateful.  And, I am grateful.  I'm going to leave it at that for now.  After all, we caught the big fish.  The deck hand told me I was magic and probably Nostradamos.  That was the first Blue Marlin they've caught in 2012.  LOL!  Lucky me!  Life is full of fun and interesting surprises.  You just never know.  Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Most of all be grateful when the best happens.