Super Scanxious

I got home from our vacation (cruise from Venice to Barcelona) on Sunday night at 7:30PM, 11/24.  Yesterday, went to work and was super tired (jet lag) mid-day so came home for a nap.  On the way home, I checked my voice mail and there were 12 messages on there.  I hadn't checked my voice mails during the 11 days I was in Europe.  Had a message from my surgeon whom I was supposed to meet with today (11/26, my birthday) from Monday last week the 18th asking me to call her.  Shoot!  I figured that there was an issue with my CT scan I had in early Nov.  Why would the doctor personally call if there was nothing wrong?  There must be something wrong…. what was it?

I tried calling her back but since it was 2:30 and she was in surgery I ended up talking to the MA who didn't see any notes.  Bottom line, had to wait until this morning to find out the news.  Shoot!  Needless to say, I didn't sleep well.  I was thinking about what could be wrong, what the issue was, what my outcome would be.  I truly hoped maybe she was just going to reschedule my appointment because she was going out of town for Thanksgiving.  Or, perhaps the CT was not good or something.  

I arrived early for my 9:15 am appointment.  Got there at 8:50.  She was late and didn't come in my room until 9:45 wouldn't you know it.  I was trying so hard not to worry and fret about what she was going to tell me.  The result was that my scan showed 2 spots on my liver.  Ahhhh……. Thank goodness! At least now I knew.  I was sort of relieved because I knew that my two previous scans, one six months ago and the one 10 months prior to that in May 2012, I had those spots which were not a huge concern, just something to keep an eye on. And, they didn't light up on the PET so maybe I don't need to worry.  I had this CT at a different place so we needed more info to rule out any issues and the doctor needed to get the other scans to compare to this recent one to see if these were new "spots", or the same old "spots".   This would take about 3 - 4 hours to get the comparisons.  Shoot!

It is now 4:45 PM as I type this and I still hadn't heard from the surgeon.  I know she's super busy.  I hated to call and bug but did it anyway on the way home from work (early because it's my birthday today).  I wanted to make sure that I followed up just in case she needed to prod the other doctor about it before the holiday. 

Sure enough, I just got the call…….. The spots are "stable"!!!  Thank goodness.  Happy birthday me!!!

Update - Colonoscopy, Biopsy, DRE, CT, Surgeon and Radiologist

I sure didn't realize how emotional and stressful it is to wait for my very first biopsy results, doctor to come in and read the results of CT scan, and wait.........

Prior to the first day when I was diagnosed that fateful day May 16, 2012, I really hadn't had much experience with doctors, needles, drugs or my own mortality.  Now, the doctors, needles and mortality are not the things that disturb me, it is the ever impending worry of wondering what will happen next and of possibly hearing bad news.  Up until May of 2012, I pretty much felt like one of the healthiest people I know.  Even the life insurance company had rated me "superior" and granted the lowest rates to me in the summer of 2010.  Now, I don't worry or fear the stick of a needle, the concern of drinking colonscopy prep, or XRays.  I worry about the waiting for results to be heard..... the waiting for the end of 5 years to come...... the waiting for any bad news.   

I think this is just part of life.  Waiting.  Good news or bad, waiting just isn't comfortable.  The strongest muscle we have is our mind and mine works overtime dreaming up what "might" be.  Once you hear you have the big "c", your mind is never the same.  I think about it every single day.  Even though I don't look like I ever went through anything at all and even when I was going through it I didn't look like I was, it's a good thing you can't see inside my head.  Inside there is what has changed the most.

Right now, I am a 10 months post treatment.  I had my first colonoscopy with some biopsies one year after my first one.   Colonoscopies are not really NCCN (National Comprehensive Cancer Network) recommended follow up for anal cancer I've been told.  Most of the time they just do anoscopies or DRE (digital rectal exams).  But my surgeon ordered one along with a PET/CT.  She just wants to keep a close eye on things and if these help her do that, I'm down.  There was a mix-up with the PET/CT in that my insurance wouldn't cover it, so a CT with contrast was done instead on chest, abdomen and pelvis.  After some pointed questions, it seems a CT is just as good and will let the docs know what they need to know just as well as the PET/CT.  I am not fond of these procedures and don't want them all the time to comfort or discomfort me as the case may be.  I'm glad my doctors haven't felt like I needed anything done prior to this time.  It has given me plenty of time to heal.

I was pretty anxious about waiting for the results of both of these important tests, especially since they were my very first post-treatment.  And even though I was in no big hurry, hey seemed a long time coming.  It seemed that other anal cancer patients get them much sooner.  I try not to compare like they say, and trust my docs (within reason) because they know a lot more than I do, but it's hard not to wonder about the followup after treatment variations. 

This year the gastroenterologist seemed smilier than the last time he did my colonoscopy.  I know I wasn't as scared about it.  Just get it over with will ya?  The good news is they called me a couple days later to let me know the biopsies were clear, scar tissue, no cancer.  YAY!  That was so awesome to hear.  On paper, the three specimens submitted on one slide, looks like this in writing:  sections show multiple fragments of squamous mucosa with reactive changes and minimal chronic inflammation.  There is no koliocytosis or dysplasia, as confirmed by immunohistochemical staining for P16 and K1-67, respectively.  There you go......  pretty simple right!  Scar tissue, no cancer.  Come back in 10 years when I'm 60.  

Moving on to the CT done on 5/14, that is another story.  I sat there yesterday in my surgeon's office at 9:00 shaking, worrying, stressing out....... until she came in finally and let me know the results.  Again, good news.  Even the good news sometimes sounds a little bad.  I am always waiting for the next shoe to drop with this thing, but the good news it's all pretty good news.  I have these two spots in my lung, that haven't grown or changed at all.  Good news.  I have these cysts in my liver, normal I guess, which remain unchanged.  Both of these things showed on the PET/CT last year but didn't light up as cancer.  My docs are "watching" them though.  That's why I say the good news sometimes sounds bad.  Because you always have to "watch" things once you have had cancer.  Then the lymph node, right lateral to the rectum, now measures 5 mm X 5 mm, compared to 1.1 X 1.6 cm on the prior study (5/21/12).  Both the surgeon and radiologist think this is very good.  We didn't have PET to look at, which would light up any "cancer" larger than 1 cm in size, but my new smaller lymph has shrunk down sufficiently enough that all three of us are very happy about it.  Of course, we are "watching" it.  Always watchful, alway waiting.  I hate that.

So in the end, literally, my surgeon finished her DRE and other physical inspections and reported several times that it feels "perfect".  No more tumor, still, waiting, watching.  The final "impression" statement on the CT scan printout reads:  Since the prior studies performed in May 2012, no evidence for metastatic disease to the chest, abdomen, or pelvis.  Good.  And meanwhile, I wait.

Deja Vu, Not!

The month of May 2012 was a tumultuous one for me.  I went to Wenatchee for my annual Bloomsday trip with friends.  I got sick with a really bad cold, had a blast on Cinco de Mayo, did the 12k on May 6th, came home, colonoscopy (my first one) on May 9th, found out I had cancer on May 16th. The rest is history (and documented in this blog that I started soon after finding out).

Fast forward to May 2013.............. Went out to Wenatchee for my annual Bloomsday trip with friends.  It kind of felt like Deja Vu, but then again, maybe not.  

This year, I didn't get sick, Cinco de Mayo was Bloomsday day, warmest-sunniest Bloomsday in history, we finished with a better time than last year, colonoscopy on May 8th, looked good this time, still waiting on biopsies.... but, I know that this year, I won't be finding out I have cancer.  I beat that already.

I have a PET/CT on Monday, 5/13.   Meet with the Radiologist & Surgeon both on 5/23.  Meet with Oncologist on 6/26. Wish me luck..... by now if you know me, you know I'm already pretty damn lucky!

Just for kicks, compare my profile picture on this blog which was taken on Doomsday Hill in Spokane, mile 5.5, on May 6, 2012.  I am so joyous and unsuspecting, raising my arms up in the air in Victory, little did I know that the vulture is behind me waiting........ lurking...... cancer.

I had some trepidation going up that hill this year when my friend asked me if I wanted a photo by the vulture.  I said "no way!"  I don't want a photo in front of that thing so she proposed a new idea.  Check it out.  

The photo below was taken on Doomsday Hill this year,  May 5, 2013.  This time, I know the vulture is there, I've passed him by and I'm kicking him right in the ASS!  Wanna join me?

A Little Apprehensive

It's amazing how time flies.  It's been a little over 2 months since I posted a blog.  I think it's because I'm not such a good blogger.  I read other people's posts and many of you are great writers, very good at sharing feelings, and wonderful supporters (on the site "Blog For A Cure").  I feel a bit like a stalker sometimes because I really look forward to everyone's posts and how I relate to them and what I can learn from them and the responses to them of people who have or had my type of cancer.  Finding this "Blog For A Cure" site was really lucky for me after I finished treatment 7/23/12.  I wish I had found it sooner because I'm sure it would have helped me a lot during treatment too.

Lately I think a lot about this time last year.  This time last year at the beginning of May I headed off to my annual Bloomsday run in Spokane, WA as I often do.  My profile photo illustrates so ironically the vulture behind me on Doomsday Hill at mile 5 of the race.  Little did I know when that photo was taken that 10 days later I would hear the dreaded words, "it's cancer".  I had my first colonoscopy on 5/9/12 which was my son's 29th birthday and then on 5/16/12, my niece Cheryl's birthday I found out.  This year I will have another colonoscopy on 5/8 and a PET/CT on 5/23.  Needless to say, I'm apprehenisive about these procedures.  I should be happy to confirm that "this time" .... "this year"....  I don't have cancer.  But, instead, I'm worried about it.

I have twinges, some pain when I sit, wierd bowels, nothing major, but now these things/signs/syptoms/new normal really make me wonder what's going on down there and if there is something wrong.  Never ever worried before. And, I fear the finding out.  Why is it I always worry about things I just don't control.

So, I'm off to Bloomsday, this year on May 5, again.  I leave on Wednesday.  This year I'll get past the vulture without him behind me, literally, anymore.  Wish me luck!

Doctor Day

I love my surgeon!  She is awesome.  I wonder if I feel this way because she just keeps on telling me good news.  Would I feel the same about her if the news was not so good? I wonder.  Anyway, the news is good....again. She is so nice and always hugs me at the end of the appointment.  This is nice.  Normally I'm a non-touchy person and prefer my personal bubble space.  But, once someone has had their digits in your most private parts hugging seems so normal.

I asked her about why I hadn't had any scans yet or biopsies.  She said that I'm due for a scan soon which we scheduled for May 13 at 9:00am.  And we scheduled my colonoscopy for May also, one year to the day that I had my first one that found the cancer.  The only time she does biopsies is when she's worried about the cancer growing and that is not the case in my case.  I am doing really well with no signs of cancer only residual radiation scarring. The news is great, perfect, hooray for me! So happy.  I love my surgeon!

Coincidentally I also had a noon appointment with my oncologist.  That seems to be a pretty great way to do it, all doctors in a day.  I dont get much work done but its nice to take care of it all at once.

I don't love having blood drawn.  I suppose no one really loves it and you would think I'd be used to it by now but Its just not that much fun.  The blood work was fine:  WBC 6.1 (normal is 4.2 - 10.5), RBC 4.51 (4.04 - 5.48) and everything else was in normal range except MCH which was high 31.9 (27 - 31.2) and MPV which was low at 7.2 (7.4 - 10.4).  Don't ask me what either of those two are, but they weren't too far out of range and my doctor says I'm doing really well and will see me next time in June.   While I was there, I ran into a lady who was in my chemo class.  She was recieving treatment and her hubby was with her.  It was nice to see her doing well. She had stage four bone and lung cancer.  Her hair is growing back and her attitude is still wonderful.  I also got a hug from the radiation nurse who was happy to see me after several months and doing well.  She is so nice and was always a ray of sunshine when I had to do treatments and was going through my worst times.  The staff there is so wonderful and caring.  I'm so glad I have such good doctors and staff at Utah Cancer Specialists.   It's an intimate and comfortable setting and I like that.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is how much I will always appreciate with my heart and soul and will always remember as a special time in my life is the period from when I first found out about the cancer on 5/16/2012 to when I completed treatment on 7/23/2102.  The reason this time is so special to me is that through this life changing experience I couldn't believe how amazing my friends, family, and everyone surrounding me shared their love, prayers, support in ways that were so meaningful that I can't find words to express how much it meant to me and impacted the way I live life today.  I know it will sound a bit wierd to hear my say I'm glad I found out I had cancer and beat it because it has made me a better person than I was before and it has made me apprecite everything, everyone, and every experience in a completely new and improved way.

The New Year 2013

I’m totally looking forward to this year. Last year was such an interesting, turbulent one with lots of learning experiences; cancer being one of them. I almost feel like it was a bad dream I had. I am now back to my routine without being interrupted by daily doctors appointments that interrupted my life for 2 or 3 months. Most of the time I feel so good that it’s as if I never battled cancer at all. Every so often, my monkey mind reminds me that I had a terminal disease that is hopefully now banished forever due to strong chemotherapy and radiation treatment. So, I push down the thoughts about that and go about my life. I am occasionally bothered by sore and stiff hips and pelvis, weird and sometimes painful bowel movements, and slight tiredness. I have to admit that I marvel that I feel a lot less tired than I did prior to finding out I had cancer. I think I did have symptoms that I ignored for a long time due to the growing tumor and I must have known in the back of my mind that something was wrong even before I scheduled that colonoscopy at 49, before I even needed one. God works in the most mysterious ways.

Thank goodness for a new year, a fresh start, and a new view. We got a puppy on Dec. 1. His name is “Rio”. He’s a beautiful Doberman Pinscher. He was born on July 25, 2012 which is 2 days after my last day of treatment. That makes him 6 months old this month. It’s nice having a cute little puppy around again. Although he already weighs 48 pounds so he’s really not so little but he’s still a puppy and tons of energy and fun. We haven’t had a dog of our own for 8 years. He fills a missing void in our lives being so soft and sweet as he is. We used to babysit our grand-dog “Byron” when my daughter and son-in-law traveled and from April 2008 – March 2010 he lived with us while they hiked the Pacific Crest Trail for 5 months then moved to Australia for 2 years after that. Sadly, Bryon died of cancer last July. We all miss him badly.

The new beginnings continue though. We got Rio on Dec. 1 and my daughter announced she is pregnant with my first grandchild on Dec. 3. I have to admit, I’m really glad she waited until I was 50 to make me a grandma but I’m pretty excited about it. I can’t wait to see, hold, and hug him or her. The due date is August 9, 2013. Today is her 10 week doctor appointment, her first one, and the one where she can hear the heartbeat.

2013 holds many great things for me, and I hope all of you. I’m so glad the world didn’t end on Dec. 21, 2012 so that I have such a beautiful year to embrace. I know it will be a healthy, happy and prosperous one.

50 Life Lessons

Me and my family on Thanksgiving 2012

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006 (by Regina Brett).  And, since I just turned 50 myself a few weeks ago, I thought this was worth sharing and remembering.  Here's what she wrote......

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me (plus 5 to grow on).
It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
To reach this Plain Dealer columnist:
rbrett@plaind.com, 216-999-6328"

..... and for an update on me, I'm doing really well.  I feel great!  I've been in to see all my doctors and all reports seem to be going well.  My blood is fine, and DRE shows signs of cancer gone.  Will eventually get a PET/CT scan to tell for sure but nothing scheduled yet.  I'm looking forward to a really great Christmas and 2013.  My 50th year and 2012 was an interesting and turbulent one.  Started out with the flu, found out I got cancer mid-year, had a huge 50th birthday bash in July the day before my last cancer treatment, went to Hawaii on an awesome vaca in Sept. and Willie caught a 440 pound blue Marlin, had my "real" 50th a few days after Thanksgiving (and worked), and the grand finale is I found out I am going to be a gramma on Dec. 3rd.  What a year!  Hope the best for all my friends and family.  You all mean the world to me and I'm so glad you're in my life.  Thank you!