The New Year 2013

I’m totally looking forward to this year. Last year was such an interesting, turbulent one with lots of learning experiences; cancer being one of them. I almost feel like it was a bad dream I had. I am now back to my routine without being interrupted by daily doctors appointments that interrupted my life for 2 or 3 months. Most of the time I feel so good that it’s as if I never battled cancer at all. Every so often, my monkey mind reminds me that I had a terminal disease that is hopefully now banished forever due to strong chemotherapy and radiation treatment. So, I push down the thoughts about that and go about my life. I am occasionally bothered by sore and stiff hips and pelvis, weird and sometimes painful bowel movements, and slight tiredness. I have to admit that I marvel that I feel a lot less tired than I did prior to finding out I had cancer. I think I did have symptoms that I ignored for a long time due to the growing tumor and I must have known in the back of my mind that something was wrong even before I scheduled that colonoscopy at 49, before I even needed one. God works in the most mysterious ways.

Thank goodness for a new year, a fresh start, and a new view. We got a puppy on Dec. 1. His name is “Rio”. He’s a beautiful Doberman Pinscher. He was born on July 25, 2012 which is 2 days after my last day of treatment. That makes him 6 months old this month. It’s nice having a cute little puppy around again. Although he already weighs 48 pounds so he’s really not so little but he’s still a puppy and tons of energy and fun. We haven’t had a dog of our own for 8 years. He fills a missing void in our lives being so soft and sweet as he is. We used to babysit our grand-dog “Byron” when my daughter and son-in-law traveled and from April 2008 – March 2010 he lived with us while they hiked the Pacific Crest Trail for 5 months then moved to Australia for 2 years after that. Sadly, Bryon died of cancer last July. We all miss him badly.

The new beginnings continue though. We got Rio on Dec. 1 and my daughter announced she is pregnant with my first grandchild on Dec. 3. I have to admit, I’m really glad she waited until I was 50 to make me a grandma but I’m pretty excited about it. I can’t wait to see, hold, and hug him or her. The due date is August 9, 2013. Today is her 10 week doctor appointment, her first one, and the one where she can hear the heartbeat.

2013 holds many great things for me, and I hope all of you. I’m so glad the world didn’t end on Dec. 21, 2012 so that I have such a beautiful year to embrace. I know it will be a healthy, happy and prosperous one.

50 Life Lessons

Me and my family on Thanksgiving 2012

Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006 (by Regina Brett).  And, since I just turned 50 myself a few weeks ago, I thought this was worth sharing and remembering.  Here's what she wrote......

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me (plus 5 to grow on).
It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
To reach this Plain Dealer columnist:
rbrett@plaind.com, 216-999-6328"

..... and for an update on me, I'm doing really well.  I feel great!  I've been in to see all my doctors and all reports seem to be going well.  My blood is fine, and DRE shows signs of cancer gone.  Will eventually get a PET/CT scan to tell for sure but nothing scheduled yet.  I'm looking forward to a really great Christmas and 2013.  My 50th year and 2012 was an interesting and turbulent one.  Started out with the flu, found out I got cancer mid-year, had a huge 50th birthday bash in July the day before my last cancer treatment, went to Hawaii on an awesome vaca in Sept. and Willie caught a 440 pound blue Marlin, had my "real" 50th a few days after Thanksgiving (and worked), and the grand finale is I found out I am going to be a gramma on Dec. 3rd.  What a year!  Hope the best for all my friends and family.  You all mean the world to me and I'm so glad you're in my life.  Thank you!

Lucky Me.... Always

The second blog I wrote when I found out I had cancer on May 16th was titled “Lucky Me”. Well, I’m happy to report, I’m still lucky! 

I was lucky to find the cancer early, lucky I had a colonoscopy at age 49 instead of 50 (especially since I had no symptoms to make me do this), lucky to be living in Salt Lake City UT where there is such excellent cancer research and care, lucky to have such fabulous supportive friends & family, lucky it’s 2012, just darn LUCKY! Today is no different, thankfully. Here’s why…...

Yesterday, I went in today for another 6 week follow up with my surgeon (my third post treatment) at 9:30 am.  It went so well I don’t go back for 3 months. Merry Christmas! She said the spot is soooo much improved from last time. I find it amazing she remembers that. Anyway…..lucky!

Then my dentist called me at around noon and said I won an iPad mini in a Facebook drawing they had online! Can you believe it?! Yay me! Again, lucky!

It keeps happening. I’m so lucky. My only regret is that I had to go to work on Thursday because I didn’t win a half a billion dollars on the Power Ball Lottery Wednesday night.  Lucky?  Ya.... probably.  I think most lottery winners either go crazy or lose all their money I'm told so basically.... lucky. 

Uneventful

After 3 long months, went to see the oncologist today.  She was on vacation and her normal PA was out on maternity leave.  Saw the other PA I've never met.  He was nice.  Didn't really have any thoughtful comments because I'm doing really well and my blood work is normal.  :-)  Said the colorectal surgeon is the best authority on what's going on with the spot in my butt.  I see her again on December 6.  I'm on a 6 week cycle with her.  I guess I go see the oncologist every 3 months for 2 years.  Then to 6 month or 1 year cycle after that.  I'm not sure what they are looking for in my blood but I guess it doesn't hurt (much) for them to keep checking it. Good news is, I look and feel healthy so that is what matters.

Exercise Does A Body Good?

I made it to 10 days in a row of Jillian's 30 Day Shred (20 minute cardio/strength training) Level 1, with 20 minutes (about a mile and half) on the treadmill right behind it for 5 of the 10 days.  Then I missed Tues., Wed., Thurs., Friday last week..... but I hit it again today.  I can't believe how out of shape I am and how sore it makes me.  There are days that I feel so old and tired.  But, I know it is helping me.  At least I think it is anyway.  The stiffness and pain in my pelvis is so weird.  To me it feels like I have run a marathon without any training.  That was one main reason I decided to get back in the swing of an exercise regime again.  I mean, if I have to have pain and stiffness, I want it to be from actual exercise.  :-)  I also contacted the Bikram Yoga studio I used to go to but I haven't been to class since Oct. 2011.  I think that will help with the flexibility.  Does anyone else do Bikram (hot yoga)?  Now I'm going to enjoy a snowy Saturday getting ready for friends to come over for dinner.  What should I make? Hmmm........

Looking forward to meeting with my oncologist on the 12th.  It's been 3 months since we last met.  I wonder what questions I need to ask.  Any ideas?  I finished treatment on 7/23.  Is it time for a PET/CT?  I've had a sore throat (really really sore) for 3 months and have been on two rounds of antibiotics which haven't helped?  Should I bring that up?  Also, have had two UTI's and had antibiotics for that.  I think I had another last week but it sort of went away.  Should I ask about that?  My skin tone still looks off and I have dark circles under my eyes which I never really had before.  People say I look great and like I never was sick (the only reason I was sick was from the treatment no the cancer).  Isn't that the weird thing about cancer?

My backyard at 7:30 AM
Weathergirl says 4 feet by tomorrow.  One can hope!

Getting Serious & Coming "c"lean

This past week I started exercising again.  It has been about 6 months since I really did anything.  I had wanted to exercise during treatment but that didn't really work out because I was just too busy with treatment, work, visitors.  It seems like I can find an excuse and lots of reasons for not doing it, mainly lack of extra time.  I feel like I need to retire first in order to fit in a good exercise routine anymore.  I am not a morning person, but I'm going to create that habit again so that I have that extra hour to exercise.  It really just doesn't work to save it for the evening, after work.  By then, I am just too tired, have to make or eat dinner, do some laundry, watch some tv show I'm addicted to, or play on Facebook for awhile.  After I get home from work, there is only about 2 - 3 hours until bedtime.   Those hours go fast.

I always seem to need a reason to begin exercising, again, to keep my commitment to it.  I like a goal.  This time the goal is health and need.  I need to exercise not only physically, but also mentally.  While I was on the treadmill today, I was inspired to blog about the things I'm coming clean about and how serious I am about exercise now, again.  I've always been blessed with good health and I attribute that a lot to exercise.  I've been in competitive sports since I was 8 years old.  Although, the sports change, and at times in my adult life, exercise is sporadic, I always get back to it.  It is definitely a NEED, as well as a WANT.

I used my profile picture on my blog as the vulture behind me on Doomsday hill from May 6, 2012.  Subliminally this photo is cancer behind me and me winning the battle against it with my arms in the air  in total victory and happiness.  When this photo was taken, I didn't know I had cancer.  I had my colonoscopy on May 9, 2012 a few days after Bloomsday where this picture was taken in Spokane, WA.  Doomsday Hill is at mile 5.5 of 7 in the race and I always look forward to making it up to the top of that hill and seeing what color the year's t-shirt will be.  Now I look forward to getting around that circling vulure (cancer) and making it through to the water stations, hoses spraying us, and the rest of the cool bands (the rest of my healthy happy life), because I know they are always there to make the race a lot more fun for the participants and then I get my t-shirt.  The picture of this vulture is somewhat ironic to me now. I love that it was taken right before I found out.  And, I love that it's behind me, efore I went up the hill.  How ironic is that?  Now, I have made it around him, and I'm on the other side so I can finish the race.

The second thing that I am coming "c"lean about is that I purposely titled my blog "Cathy's cancer" with a "s"mall "c".  I didn't even like to say "c"ancer at first because it made it real and it felt like I was accepting it into my body.  I didn't even know I had it so I certainly wasn't willing to accept it at first.  I felt like I was being punked when he told me.  I really felt like I didn't even have it at all.  So, I consciously decided to make it a small "c" so that I wouldn't give it credit for anything bigger than that, like God, or English, or North.  I know now that cancer is very very powerful.  I was ignorant before I found out and experienced the powerful treatment to rid my body of this horrible disease.  It has power in the body and it has even stronger power in the mind.  But, I decided early on that by seeing the small "c" it would remind me that I had power over IT and that I could beat this thing, "C"athy with a "C"apital "C".  I will beat it in my mind, and I will beat it in my body.  Another subliminal message to me that I'm now telling about.  

I realize that I keep a lot of things inside.  Lately some of the things I've kept inside are, I've been worried about my sore throat that I've had for about 3 months now.  It went away briefly at the end of our Hawaii trip but came right back a couple days after we got home to UT.  Should I move to Hawaii?  Hmmm....   I worry about if the cancer is gone.  I feel like it is and have no reason to think any differently based on my digital exams.  I have appointments with all three doctors in the next few weeks but so far not PET/CT scan.  And, I'm not sure I want one anyway.  Isn't that just adding more radiation to my body again?  I wonder if it's out of my lymph node.  How do they tell that?  I wonder if it spread.  How do I find that out?  I didn't know I had it to begin with so are there signs of spreading?  Should I even let these negative thoughts come in to my mind?  I worry about that?  I worry about the hip pain and stiffness I now feel.  It started about a month after treatment ended and it is so weird.  I guess it's a side-effect of the intense radiation but I don't love it.  It kind of feels like how I used to feel after a good hard work out, or maybe after Bloomsday.  But, it's not that. 

The hip pain and stiffness is one of the reasons I'm back in the exercise mode again.  I need to counteract the side effects.  I also believe that exercise is purging my body of bad cells, bad toxins, and making me stronger so I can live a longer healthier life.  My biggest fear would be getting to my 100th birthday and not having a good quality of life.  I'm going to get in a little better shape and then go back to Bikram Yoga again.  That will also help my strength and flexibility.  

I started my 50th year, last year when I turned 49, with the flu.  It was awful.  In May, I found out I had cancer.  That wasn't so great either.  When November 26th rolls around this year and I actually turn 50 and start my 51st year, I want to know I'm healthy and celebrate!  I'm past the vulture and at the top of Doomsday Hill!  This has been one of the most interesting years of my life so far.  I've learned a lot.  I don't want to miss the opportunity I've been given to change, grow, improve, and build on these experiences.  Part of that crossroad is coming "c"lean and exercising.  I just have to.

11 Weeks Post Treatment

It's been awhile since I posted on here.  I've felt like I didn't have much to say.  Life has pretty much returned to normal, and so have I.  It's been 11 weeks since my last radiation treatment on July 23rd.  That is almost twice as long as the time it took to treat me (6 weeks) for cancer.  It was such an interesting time in my life and my year.  I still can't believe the whirlwind of it all.

I have so many observations, memories, and experiences that I'll always remember about that period in my life.  It is so nice to be finished with chemo and radiation.  Now, in the aftermath, I meet with the oncologist (every 3 months), the radiologist (every 3 months) and the surgeon (every 6 weeks for awhile) until I get my next instructions.  Soon, those meetings will taper off to once every three months, then every 6, then annually.... then 5 years..... remission.  :-)  Takes 5 years to be in the safe zone.  But, in the meantime, I go in about once a month to see one of those 3 doctors.  The appointments don't last long.  They are usually happy with my progress so far, in this 11 weeks, then they schedule the next one.

I met with the surgeon last week.  We are close friends now if you know what I mean since she has intimate knowledge of my most private parts and how they feel and are supposed to feel.  She said it will be 6 months before she orders a CT/PET scan.  I'm looking forward to seeing that and it should tell the big story of past and present and indicate NED (no evidence of disease).  I'm lucky that I didn't have the horrible experience of a lot of people in my same boat.  I had a fairly good experience.  I often wonder if I'm in denial, or just don't accept pain and suffering afterall.

Speaking of being in the same boat, I always thought I was a whiner about pain, and being sick, but after spending 11 hours in the Hawaiian ocean deep sea sport-fishing a week ago and puking my guts out in front of a group of 5 people all day I guess I can pretty much take anything to get to the prize.  I went through 2 week long rounds of chemotherapy and never took one pill or threw up!  It took the turbulent Hawaiian ocean to do it to me.  It's probably weird that I would analgize (is that a word?) sport-fishing to chemo but the reward was sweet with both.  We caught the prized 440 pound blue marlin!  And, I'm pretty sure I kicked cancer's ass, literally.  So, you see, it's not such a stretch as you'd think.

I sort of compare everything in life to something else in life.  It's weird.  I'm weird.  But with cancer, I was put on board a boat that I didn't pay to ride.  And, I feel like it's all working out really well and I got to the end of the day and cured the disease I never knew I had.  Like a deep sea sport-fishing you never know if you're coming home with a giant 440 pound Blue Marlin, six 100 pound Ahi, or empty handed.  It's all luck, skill, history, and a good captain.

Regarding how I feel, well, I feel great.  I don't have any issues at all, I think.  It's business as usual.  I look for things all the time that might be a little off.  Here's what I notice.  Doing this treatment put me into menopause.  I had my last period on 6/24/2012.  I think maybe I have some sweats but not sure.  So, maybe it's nothing at all.  Super glad not to have periods.  Yay me!  Then I have a little bit of achiness in my hip and groin area.  Is it from the radiation or just the fact I haven't really exercised much for the past 9 months?  Hmmmm......not really sure.  So any time I go on a hike, or move big stuff around, or yoga, or exert myself in the extra hard way I'm used to doing, I am achy.  But, I think that was normal bc (before cancer) too so maybe again, it's nothing.  I feel like I didn't complain enough or use my one time "get out of jail free cancer card" while I was going through all that and after.  Now, I'm just my normal self again and no one to feel sorry for me.  Wah!  Just kidding.  I'm glad it wasn't too hard.  I just hope they gave me enough of a dose that I'm cured.  Another thing, I worry about that a little.  The fact that my pain and suffering wasn't as severe as a lot of people.  That makes me worry.  I don't know why.  Maybe I should just be grateful.  And, I am grateful.  I'm going to leave it at that for now.  After all, we caught the big fish.  The deck hand told me I was magic and probably Nostradamos.  That was the first Blue Marlin they've caught in 2012.  LOL!  Lucky me!  Life is full of fun and interesting surprises.  You just never know.  Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Most of all be grateful when the best happens.